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Destroy All Humans! review

Game: Destroy All Humans!
Platform: Xbox
Genre: Action
Developer: Pandemic Studios

Reader review by mrmiyamoto

July 28, 2005

I’ll admit to being a huge UFO enthusiast; that’s why I had so much hope for this game. Destroying everything in my path with an all-powerful aircraft sounded like a lot of fun…and it is. However, it’s merely mindless fun, so don’t come in expecting anything more.

You’ll be in charge of a character named Cryptosporidium 137, a clone of the pathetic Crypto 136, who failed miserably on what 137 is attempting to do.. Since aliens depend on cloning DNA as a means of survival, finding out that the supply of it is declining is disheartening and eventually life threatening. Insert 137, tasked to gather up as much human DNA as possible and eradicate the hapless Earthlings while he’s at it. Destroy All Humans clearly borrows its concept from the veritable Grand Theft Auto series, allowing you to free-roam the streets with an anal probe in hand; yes, I said an anal probe. Crypto is equipped with a couple weapons, including a zap-o-matic, which electrocutes enemies, and a disintegrator ray, a weapon that shoots fireballs, burning humans down to bone; it also blows up vehicles like nothing. Since Crypto is an alien, he can read the minds of humans, and this is where a few laughs will begin to be second nature in your quest. True, blowing up everything present has its perks but walking around disguised as a young woman reading random people’s minds is a heck of a time. An example of someone’s thoughts: “I hope no one notices I’m wearing women’s underwear.” Destroy All Humans is basically a lighthearted take on the 50’s scene, the time when paranoia ensued every UFO sighting and when television was a luxury.

When Crypto’s not running around on foot his UFO missions provide the ultimate damage-ridden time. As you progress you’ll get more and more upgrades for your ship, resulting in yet more destruction. There’s even an upgrade that allows you to take out whole blocks at a time. Whether you’re precisely using the disguise ability to sneak by people or defending a station from military tampering, the missions are pretty entertaining and, thankfully, contain some diversity. What starts out as simplistic turns into quite a tough game by the end. One alien taking on an endless barrage of tanks and missiles begins to get tricky. Of course, all you need to do is destroy everything so don’t worry.

Accompanying the destruction is a respectable show in the graphics department. Since you’ll be in numerous locations throughout your time, the environments are rendered nicely with a pretty constant change of pace. Enemies, though, are incredibly repetitive. You’ll most likely encounter the same woman wearing the same dress about ten times per mission. As well, the animations provide the same perpetual motion of standing there and shooting at you; it’s pretty dull. The sum of its parts muster an abysmal showing, but the particle and fire effects are pretty bright and the framerate never chugs.

I actually though Jack Nicholson was the voice actor for Crypto before I found out otherwise. The voice acting in the whole game is superb and it gives you the feeling that you’re actually in the 50’s. They speak with a satirical twist in everything they say, so be prepared to laugh.

Destroy All Humans is without a doubt a fun game, albeit one with some minor flaws. Although it’s not anything revolutionary, playing as an alien against humans was an interesting and different take on the shooter formula. Step into the time machine, hop into your UFO, and wreak havoc on the pitiful race known as humans.

Defining Moment: Shooting a charged up anal probe at a helpless woman and watching her run around holding her back end; then watch giddily as her head explodes.

Rating: 8/10

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