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Ring Out (PC) artwork

Ring Out (PC) review


"I’m certainly no expert when it comes to reviewing hentai games; if it’s quality critiques of smut you seek then you should turn to my friends Zigfried and Johnny Cairo, both of whom have earned their masters in this masturbatory medium. Me, I have a few old DOS games that I haven’t bothered to wipe off my hard drive, two of which I actually enjoyed in the sense that they didn’t make me wish to forcibly dislodge the contents of my stomach while I was playing them. That’s why I’m not going to pre..."



I’m certainly no expert when it comes to reviewing hentai games; if it’s quality critiques of smut you seek then you should turn to my friends Zigfried and Johnny Cairo, both of whom have earned their masters in this masturbatory medium. Me, I have a few old DOS games that I haven’t bothered to wipe off my hard drive, two of which I actually enjoyed in the sense that they didn’t make me wish to forcibly dislodge the contents of my stomach while I was playing them. That’s why I’m not going to pretend that I understand exactly what most of you freaks would define as “erotic” in your twisted, reclusive minds, but I do know this: no matter who you are, RingOut has all the appeal of a lonely nerd scooping up handfuls of powdery cheese snacks into his clammy palms and then depositing them within an expansive set of sagging jowls. Or let’s put it this way; if one were to think of the unusually playable True Love ‘95 as the swan which takes flight from the waters of a muddy pond, this would be the equivalent of that fat, hairy and profusely sweaty middle-aged man who’s completely naked save for a skintight black leather mask – and he’s currently hiding in your closet waiting for you to fall asleep. For you see, even by the torturous standards of most pervoramas, RingOut is about as erotic as a doorstop. Not a particularly attractive doorstop, mind you, but a plain old wooden one. With a rusty nail sticking out of it.

Thus is planted the seeds of our revolting tale, which I shall presently summarize more or less in its entirety right here: “OHNO I’M A VIRGIN STOP NO NO NO WELL MAYBE OK SURE JUST TAKE ME YOU GREAT BIG SEXY AMAZON YOU!” You get to assume the role of Aya, a seventeen year old high school student still in the throes of sexual purity who’s carted away from her debt-ridden parents one day and forced into the moronic world of . . . Pro-Lesring.

PRO FUCKING LESRING.

In case you can’t figure it out, that’s a lot like professional wrestling, only in this case it’s the women who play for the other team. And so Aya is stripped of her school uniform (as well as her dignity) and thrust into steel cage deathmatches with improbably buxom pussy-lovers clad in leather and lace, women like WILDCAT HOMMA and QUEEN MIKA who stomp the shit out of her (sometimes literally) because the story dictates it. Then, of course, she gets raped by women and men alike as per the rules, and it’s really “sexy.” If you’re a danger to society. The “best” part, of course, is watching as Aya’s half-hearted protests steadily fall away as she comes to enjoy being brutally taken by force for hot hot lesbian orgies. Yes, the designers certainly tapped into the female psyche for this one.

In terms of its engine, RingOut provides the usual retarded gameplay that’s your average translated hentai adventure’s stock in trade. You know, clicking randomly at a series of “choices,” usually three or four times each, one after the other in some demented order until the game grudgingly allows you to move on to the next scene of horror and depravity. Inane as it is, I do have to admire Aya's remarkable ability to hold off her raging climaxes until after she’s finished pondering the newfound sensation of a dildo in her ass while subsequently looking at and talking to her partner ten times.

Naturally these sordid escapades are also linear as all hell; you merely keep clicking until you can move on and everything will always turn out the same, with the exception of exactly three instances in which you can “try to fight it off” (poorly) or “just go for it” to determine which of the three equally asinine “happy” endings you’ll get saddled with. As an added bonus, every thirty seconds or so everything comes to a screeching halt so that the game can kick you to a black screen and inquire whether you want to resume, save, or quit. To my everlasting grief, I continued to hit “resume” so that you wouldn’t have to.

In terms of visuals, I suppose the scenes of static art are fairly well-drawn, assuming that you’d actually want to look at pictures of Aya unwillingly sucking off a thick glistening invisi-penis or on the receiving end of a spurting enema. Good gosh, SEXY. While this is going on you’ll be treated to a wretched script in which half the text is devoted solely to describing how our protagonist can’t believe she’s snogging a lesbian (yes, she actually says “snogging”), how she’s such a dirty little slut who’s let the sisterhood down – but keep rubbing there, it’s like she’s on fire – or that she doesn’t really want Mika to dip her probing tongue in the honey pot while Homma gives her a sting from behind, but it just feels so good! Yeah, you’ve just got to love that oh-so realistic “thank you for raping me” motif.

And just to reduce your brain into a quivering gelatinous state that much faster, the other half of the game’s text consists of ridiculous sound effects along the lines of this sultry exchange: “SLUP SLUP SLUP GWEE SHLUP SPOOT UNH BONK DROOL SLURP OOOH AHN WANK ITAIME SQUISH SPOOT ZUUN ZUUN GUSH WAAAAAHHH CLANK POW MOO”

Of course, that’s all simply displayed as text; the only actual audio selections in the game are typically blaring Annoying Hentai MIDIs. My copy (which I found in a shoebox) doesn’t have any voice acting and I have no clue if it’s supposed to, so I obviously can’t comment on that particular aspect . . . not that it would change anything. Actually I’m quite relieved that there aren’t any voices, even in the original Japanese. Especially in the original Japanese. I can picture it now:

''Okay, your scene is that you're a squealing piece of jailbait being violated in several tender orifices, and you gradually begin to enjoy it.''
''What's my motivation?''
''Your paycheck.''

That said, I must admit that I might have awarded this game an extra five-tenths of a point had the Man In Black, Aya’s pimp, spoken with a bitchy lisp.

Now my attitude has admittedly been pretty scathing thus far, so I certainly wouldn’t blame you for incorrectly assuming that I have nothing positive to say about this game at all. That’s just not true! There is indeed one ray of light that you can look forward to, a single redeeming feature that would be probably be considered a crippling flaw were it in any other sort of game –

RingOut is ten minutes long.

So just ignore that heavy breathing coming from the closet. Trust me, you don’t want to look.

Rating: 1/10

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Featured community review by sho (July 06, 2004)

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