We've removed ads and are looking to Patreon to secure revenue so we can grow. Please pledge support today!
Google+   Facebook button  Twitter button 
3DS | DS | PS3 | PS4 | PSP | VITA | WII | WIIU | X360 | XB1 | All
Progress Quest (PC)

Progress Quest (PC) review


"Progress Quest is funny as hell. Itís a mockup of role playing games and their fans, and it succeeds wonderfully at this point. You download it, and run it, and thatís it. It sits on your taskbar and goes through a role playing game for you while you do, well, whatever else you might want to do. A text window describes what youíre doing, like slaying a pillow monster with a dirty halibut, but no interaction is needed on your part past entering in your name and picking from some farcic..."



Progress Quest is funny as hell. Itís a mockup of role playing games and their fans, and it succeeds wonderfully at this point. You download it, and run it, and thatís it. It sits on your taskbar and goes through a role playing game for you while you do, well, whatever else you might want to do. A text window describes what youíre doing, like slaying a pillow monster with a dirty halibut, but no interaction is needed on your part past entering in your name and picking from some farcical stats and abilities at the very beginning of the game. Thereís no graphics at all besides text, and after about ten minutes, the novelty wears off, because there literally is *nothing* else to do in Progress Quest.

I just described all of Progress Quest in one hundred twenty eight words. Therefore, Iíve got to put in quite a bit of filler just to reach the four hundred word plateau. For a normal reviewer, this might be a problem, but not for me! No kiddies, Iíd like to talk to you all about a very important issue, one which plagues our society. Iíve seen it as Iíve walked amongst the streets, and I must confess, it worries me greatly. What the hell is the deal with people actually wearing t-shirts and clothing they receive for free from various companies?

You might be saying, ďBut Bobo, what the hell does this have to do with Progress Quest?Ē Donít worry about that; Iíve already described all that I need to about the horrible wretch of a ďgameĒ known as Progress Quest. This clothes thing, now this is a serious issue. I see people walking down the streets proudly wearing shirts they received from video games, such as Illusion of Gaia, and you know what? It really disturbs me.

Itís one thing to hide your geekiness. Itís quite another thing to wear it proudly across your gigantic man bosomed chest. The exception to this is wearing it proudly across your gigantic woman bosomed chest, which I think we will all agree is perfectly fine. Yet, I digress. Where are the bullies? Where are the bullies with eating disorders and broken homes to shatter these little nerds, bending appendages into pretzel shapes and making sure thereís always a swirlie going on in the boyís bathroom? Every time I see one of these pencil necked freakazoids talking to his friends about Advanced Dungeons and Dragons while playing his Gameboy Advance, I cry. Very very deeply. On the inside.

Well, before I pull his white underwear up over his head, producing painful wedgie sensations. It pays to be mean. If Iím lucky, I can pawn the Gameboy Advance and the seven year old Super Nintendo game repackaged as a new game inside for some quick cash. After that, I usually kick out his legs, and he lies on his back like a turtle, his leg muscles twitching oddly, atrophied and decaying from sitting on his duff playing video games so much.

Why isnít everyone doing this? I blame the parents. Itís obvious that theyíve somehow forgot what a living hell their teenage lives were. Itís their duty as parents to ensure that their children go through just as much suffering. Donít let little Johnny sit around, eating potato chips and masturbating to the jail bait on Total Request Live all day long! Kick his ass off that couch, tell him to go build you a fence in the front yard, and then just enjoy those sassy little minxes yourself. When he complains that you live in an apartment building, and that you donít have a yard to put a fence around, just glare at him. Raise up one eyebrow, then say, ďDid I stutter the first time?Ē He might still be shocked, so snarling and swearing is usually a good way to encourage him to behave.

But, in conclusion, Progress Quest sucks. Donít play it.

Rating: 1/10

sgreenwell's avatar
Community review by sgreenwell (February 08, 2003)

A bio for this contributor is currently unavailable, but check back soon to see if that changes. If you are the author of this review, you can update your bio from the Settings page.

More Reviews by sgreenwell
Bulls vs. Blazers and the NBA Playoffs (SNES) artwork
Bulls vs. Blazers and the NBA Playoffs (SNES)

Bulls vs. Blazers sucked, sucks and will suck.
Gradius III (SNES) artwork
Gradius III (SNES)

An aspect commonly overlooked in classic gaming is how solitary the experience is. Like lonely teenagers in a basement, the heroes of Super Mario Brothers and Sonic the Hedgehog work in complete isolation. While they may be working to save the world, there is little representation of this in their respe...
.hack Part 4: Quarantine (PlayStation 2) artwork
.hack Part 4: Quarantine (PlayStation 2)

The .hack series has established itself as a guilty pleasure of roleplaying video games, akin to Sylvester Stallone and action movies or The OC and cheesy teen dramas. Despite repetitive button mashing and frustrating artificial intelligence, .hack remains entertaining because of a ruthlessly addi...

Feedback

If you enjoyed this Progress Quest review, you're encouraged to discuss it with the author and with other members of the site's community. If you don't already have an HonestGamers account, you can sign up for one in a snap. Thank you for reading!

You must be signed into an HonestGamers user account to leave feedback on this review.

Info | Help | Privacy Policy | Contact | Links

eXTReMe Tracker
© 1998-2014 HonestGamers
None of the material contained within this site may be reproduced in any conceivable fashion without permission from the author(s) of said material. This site is not sponsored or endorsed by Nintendo, Sega, Sony, Microsoft, or any other such party. Progress Quest is a registered trademark of its copyright holder. This site makes no claim to Progress Quest, its characters, screenshots, artwork, music, or any intellectual property contained within. Opinions expressed on this site do not necessarily represent the opinion of site staff or sponsors.